Cappuccino Thoughts 106: On Being Insulted

+ a book to reset your life and how to treat your customers

Cappuccino Thoughts is a weekly newsletter about culture and creativity in New York.

The Patrons Lounge at the Met, Upper East Side, Manhattan

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An ex-coworker recently told me that a former manager at a previous job referred to me as a “bored housewife.” It was such a strange comment because…..she was my former manager! By definition, I worked with her, so how could I be a housewife?

It got me thinking how it always stings when the unkind things people say about you get back to you.

When I was in high school, I was out with a popular guy (it was just business) and when some other girls heard about it, they gossiped in line at Starbucks. “Really? Why would he go out with her?” Awkwardly enough, my mom was in line right behind them. I thought they were dumb to gossip about me in front of my mother, but the insult itself didn’t hurt. I had been as surprised as they were that I was hanging out with this fellow!

Another time in high school, a Spanish teacher said to me in front of the whole class “you’re just a blonde Barbie.” That one smarted a little more because no one likes to be called out publicly. But still, it didn’t have the intended effect. Spanish was my best class and, inappropriate comments about my appearance aside, I knew he wasn’t right.

I think for an insult to actually hurt, it has to have a modicum of truth. It has to prey upon an insecurity you already have. I’ve been told by several members of my family that I can be too impatient, and that has stayed with me because I know they’re right. I wish I were the kind of person who could serenely sit and wait while everyone at the table hems and haws over the menu, asking the waiter a million questions about exactly what to eat, When Harry Met Sally style, but the truth is it makes me want to pull my hair out. There’s a reason I live in New York, a famously impatient city. But I don’t love that quality in myself, so I do actively work on it. I take that feedback as helpful information.

Something else I try to practice is to only take in the opinions of people whom I trust and respect. When my family and close friends tell me what they think, whether it’s praise or critique, that matters a lot to me, because I really respect them and what they think. The rest is just white noise. More often than not, in fact, an insult is a reflection of the other person.

I say all this because, even when insults don’t burn, they can sting. You might find yourself asking, why did that person feel the need to denigrate me? Why did they say that in front of my friends? Why did no one stand up for me?

So the next time you get insulted, here’s my recipe: let it sting for a minute, even if it’s something really silly. Ask yourself if it was feedback or white noise. Then move on. If you’re the one hearing the gossip, evaluate if you really need to tell your friend. And before you make a comment, as my middle school teacher taught us, ask yourself if it is kind, necessary, and true.

Travel Guides

On a separate note, if you are planning some 2025 travel, I recently put out (free!) guides to Japan and Brazil. They include all my favorite museums, boutiques, vintage shops, bookstores, and, of course, coffee shops, as well as tips for solo traveling and safety, and a couple hacks to make getting around easier. Let me know how your trip goes!

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Notebooks pictured at the coffee tasting

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The Skye is available now, Central Park Boathouse reservation not included

This week, I conducted my first-ever customer research interview. I asked a top client to meet for coffee so I could hear what appeals to her about the bags. She had a lot of gems to share. It was so valuable to hear from someone with whom I had no prior relationship (i.e., not family or a friend, or even friend of a friend). She highlighted how impactful storytelling is. Each bag meant something to her because it reminded her of a time or place.

I also had someone take my post-purchase survey for the first time. If you buy something directly through my website, you’ll get an email a few days later asking how your experience was. Scott Galloway, a business leader whom I admire, once said that you should invest strongly in the post-purchase experience. I am very grateful to both of these customers for their insights so I can deliver ever-better experiences to all of my customers.

In other news, you can see more of the bag adventures on my newly launched bag Instagram!

What’s black and white and red all over? This absolute showstopper of a gentleman, and fellow believer in the three-color rule. I think black, white, and red is one of the chicest color palettes. What he’s done so well here is to play with pattern proportions—the matching top and pants compared with the coat have different scales of black and white patterning, so there’s some visual contrast. I love that the base of the outfit is black and white and he’s threaded through the red in just the hat, tie, and boots. He kind of looks like a modern-day court jester, in the best possible way. Bravo.

Someone asked me the other day what I’m reading and I said, “A book about life.” Which sounded incredibly silly once I said it out loud, but really aren’t all books ultimately about life? Meditations for Mortals is a book about how to live life. Burkeman’s thesis is that life is finite, so we need to use the limited time we have to do what we truly want. Each chapter is just a few pages and the idea is to read one chapter a day and think about which of his ideas you want to incorporate into your life. I’ve found myself underlining a number of pearls of wisdom, such as “If you’re ever going to make your unique contribution to the world, you’ll probably have to do it in a state of feeling unprepared.” I also loved a quote from one of my favorite authors, Ann Patchett: “It helps if you can realize that this part of life when you don’t know what’s coming is often the part that people look back on with the greatest affection.” I am surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed this book.I’d highly recommend it to anyone trying to figure out how to make time for what’s really important to them.

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This week, I am going to an event for New York Bestsellers on Substack. I am so excited to be included!

All my best,