Cappuccino Thoughts 65: On Facing Fears
+ Problem-solving for the bag project
I am cognizant that sometimes what I share here is a collection of good vibes and great times. I want to keep it positive! But I also want to acknowledge that it’s not always daisies and butterflies. I realized that so far this year, I’ve done a lot of things that have scared me, ranging from the mundane to the genuinely intimidating:
Cut six inches off my hair. To the guys, this may not sound that daunting, but the girls who get it, get it. I had been growing my hair out for more than a year, but it felt time for a change. At the first snip (which was a BIT shorter than I intended), I gasped, but now I’m into it.
Traveled for a month by myself. Don’t get me wrong, this was amazing and a huge treat. But it was also a LOT of logistics and flights and trains and cultures and people to coordinate. I do believe I’ve mostly gotten over my previously debilitating fear of trains. But it still made me a little nervous. Happily, everything went really well! Except, I did learn the hard way that there are two airports in Tokyo, when my mother and I landed in Japan and couldn’t find each other….
Went to my first concert alone. I am not massively into music and therefore also not massively into concerts. The only music I listen to is playlists sent to me by one of my best friends from college, S. Four years ago, he visited me in Paris while I was studying abroad and we went to a concert on March 9, 2020. I had a wonderful time at that concert. It’s the last moment I remember of pure happiness, unblemished by the pandemic. In the months that were to follow, I listened to a lot of Clay and Friends and would think back to those hours spent dancing with one of my favorite people before life changed completely. So when I saw that they were playing in Paris while I was going to be there, I bought one 12 euro ticket. I am actually very comfortable doing things alone (stemming from a childhood full of interests absolutely no one else was into, like vintage clothes, bookstores, and museums. Sound familiar?). And I’ve been to the ballet, Broadway shows, and movies alone. But a concert felt different, since it is inherently a social experience where you feed off the energy of those around you. And guess what? It was really fun. I am a notoriously terrible dancer and don’t feel very confident, even when I’m really enjoying the people I’m with. Perversely, then, I felt very free to let out my silly dance moves. In a foreign city and not knowing anyone, I just went for it. And with the lights dimmed all the way down, nobody but the band could even see me. I had so much fun! Would I do it again? Yes, on the off chance that one of the half dozen bands I truly loved were playing in a foreign city and the tickets were the cost of two cappuccinos. All to say, if there’s something you love doing, don’t let being alone stop you.
Took driving lessons. So, listen. I grew up in a big city (#sfpride), I went to college in an urban environment, and then I moved to NYC. There was no reason for me to learn how to drive. This is the story I have told myself for the last ten years. The truth is, I was absolutely terrified. I can’t quite put my finger on why—I was never in a major car accident or anything like that. But an ill-negotiated deal with my husband meant that I had to finally sign up for driving lessons. (I do appreciate that he pushes me, even when I’m unhappy in the process.) At my first lesson in a parking lot, I drove at 3 miles an hour with my shoulders hunched all the way up to my ears. About halfway through, my instructor turned to me and said, “are you feeling less panicked now?” “No,” I squeaked. Now, I have driven around little towns (facing cars AND the suburbs. It’s a lot of challenges in one) and feel….not that panicked. I still will not be driving on any road trips, ever, but my nightmares about getting behind the wheel of a car and crashing down Geary Street in San Francisco have subsided (too specific?).
Left a job that was very comfortable. Although I was ready for a change, it still wasn’t easy to leave my job of three years. In the weeks leading up to my planned departure, I was much more emotional than I expected. I even cried in my exit interview when I was asked what the best part of the job had been (the people, obvs). I was very comfortable there and had been there long enough that I knew my place, how everything worked, and what to expect. There’s a lot to be said for something that feels safe and easy. But it also usually does mean that it’s time to go. I’m really excited to start my new role (by the time you read this, it will be my first day!).
Got more vulnerable in this newsletter (see: crying, above). My goal is for this to never just become the Claire show. I want it to have value and meaning in your lives, and next week I’ll be back to my usual schedule of NYC recs, neighborhood guides, espresso thoughts, and only the occasional personal reflection. But I really learned a lot writing the issue about my quarter life crisis and I appreciated that it resonated with so many of you (it actually became my most-read edition). The more I write, the more I realize that vulnerability helps connect us. If I haven’t mentioned it recently, I am so grateful for your continued readership. Recently, more people have been asking about how I’ve kept my streak going for 65 newsletters (editor’s note: I actually skipped one issue last summer while in Italy, and two issues have arrived a day late, but no one will remember that but me!). The truth is that it’s my absolute favorite part of the week. I hit that flow state every time, where time collapses around me, and it’s just me and my computer. No matter where I am while writing this, which is usually on a plane or train if not on my couch in my apartment, it always feels good. And it feels like a blessing that there are people out there who enjoy reading it. So thank you!
Updates on the bag project
Some good and some bad this week. The good: the latest batch of six bags arrived! And another set will be delivered in mid-April. The bad: my manufacturer mixed up several of the linings, and three of the six bags had the wrong linings in them.
This was honestly so frustrating. One of them was a commission someone had already paid for (if you’re reading this, I appreciate your support so much!). I felt really embarrassed because these bags had already taken longer than I expected to get here, and now I had to go tell my customer that it wasn’t the exact lining she requested. I thought about what some of my business idols would do (Nell Diamond, always looking to you) and offered her the bag with the current lining (it looks amazing, it’s just not what she requested) and a partial refund, or to remake the bag more in line with what she wanted and a partial refund, or a total refund. I want to make it right and always give my customers what they deserve.
The optimist in me will say that at least all the bags do look really great. The quality is at a 10/10 in my humble opinion.
I just need to tighten the gaps on the international game of telephone I play between myself, my family in Turkey who helps get the bags to the manufacturer, and the manufacturer himself. I asked for photos from the batch he just finished that’s coming in mid-April and they are all correct.
F. called me pollyanna-ish for saying this, but another silver lining in this is that it’s another lesson learned in this project. More and more, I’m realizing that being a business owner at any scale is just a series of problems to solve, and, as you get bigger, so do the problems.
All to say, more bags will be available next week! Newsletter subscribers will get first dibs as usual. Stay tuned.
Look of the week
I am quite sure that these pants are a copy of American senior cords. I have a personal fascination with senior cords, which is why these caught my eyes. They were a tradition in the American 1950s where graduating high school seniors would draw designs on each other’s corduroys. Today, the real ones go for around a thousand dollars. This guy, captured in Shibuya Crossing, Tokyo, is a great embodiment of Japan’s decades-long fascination with American prep and Ivy style (for more, read Ametora). I like that he’s treating the senior cords as a neutral, and the real eye-popping statement is the red and orange argyle sweater. I was also really happy to catch the Shibuya neighborhood on a Sunday, when a lot of young people were out peacocking in cool outfits, because come Monday, almost the entire city was swathed in dark neutrals on the commute to work and school.
What’s on the bedside table
I love reading books set in the place where I am. I finished up my travels with some solo time in Paris, so The Seine: The River That Made Paris seemed appropriate. I previously read Sciolino’s book about the Rue des Martyrs, which I greatly enjoyed. She served as the Paris bureau chief for the New York Times, and I like how her books blend reporting with personal narrative. The river really does play an immense role in Paris’s history (though I am extremely dubious of the city’s claims that some of this year’s Olympic events will take place IN the river). This is a lovely book to complement a trip to the City of Light, or transport you there from your living room.
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This week, I’m back baby! I’m trying to take it slow as I settle into a new rhythm at work, but I do have tickets from a Christmas gift to see everyone’s favorite Yale Dramat-bankrupting actor Jeremy Strong in Enemy of the People and will be attending a small business forum for a non-profit for which I’m on the associate board.
Catch up on recent issues: